College life has welcomed me with pretty open arms. Granted, I'm supposed to be studying and working on a paper. But isn't that what's supposed to happen in college?

I've moved away from home and successfully made a group of friends. When did I ever see this coming? It's not as hard, nor as easy as it's made out to be. It has its challenges, but it also has its massive amounts of fun. Like staying up until 2 playing zombie video games. But then there are the times when I have to settle down and get work done. And then take a break. Like right now.

I'm surviving. No...thriving. I feel good. I feel more independent. I feel like some of the friendships I have made are going to be wonderful. And old ones are still keeping up. It's different not being around my parents, and not being able to see Steve as often as we used to. But we're doing so well.

It's incredible how fast you can grow up. Of course there are the exceptions, and I've always thought of myself as mature, but now that I'm out on my own, it's confirmed. Here, everything is up to you. Whatever you want - or don't want - to do. It's your responsibility now. It's the challenge of the college student to rise up to this. I'm choosing the path of my life now. I don't exactly know right now where it will take me, but I'm working towards something bigger than me. And it's given me purpose. A reason to be mature and grow up. Face the facts and still have my own fantasies. My dreams. I think the most well adjusted adults know how to keep the balance. I take no claims to being able to do this with absolute certainty, but it's their duty to be able to deal with the realities life gives to them while still keeping dreams. I'm young. I can't do this just yet. As much as I'm on my own, I'm not. But I've gotten a start.

Life is good. Amazingly so, as a matter of fact. I don't know what the whole college atmosphere has done, but it's eliminated the whole high-school drama act. It's so mellow. So calm. So beautiful. So free. And I can't get enough of it.

The past has such an influence on how you deal with the present. So here's a toast. To the past. Thank you for all you've done for me. Teaching me to deal and love, and live, and be happy. And be said and to appreciate the now. And to the future.

To the unknown.

So. Seven days. No. I'm not in the movie The Ring.

However, I'm terrified. And, I have to admit, I am super excited, too. I'm having a really hard time deciding which one.

Who knew college would come so fast? Who knew that I would feel so old? Who knew that I actually feel like going shopping for skirts and nice clothing? Who knew I would be in love? God did. But I had no clue.

I'm all emotions wrapped into one. As scared as I am, I know I have some life rafts that are keeping me so sane right now. One...knowing that I'm going to college with one of my best friends. I want to meet new people, but it's a lot easier with an old friend by your side. Especially you. I'm so happy. ^_^ Like I said, if it were anyone, it would be you. And two...Steve. Yeah, it's nice knowing he won't be too far. We've had so many conversations about it, and we have an understanding of each other. And I'm glad knowing that I'll always have him to talk to. It's nice have these two people there. I love you both. Thanks for making this easier.

I'll miss my parents. I'll miss not having to wonder what my roommate will think. I'll miss my own bathroom. But who wouldn't? It comes with the territory.

So...I'm buck up. And take it as it comes. So...the countdown has begun. It's the silence before the storm.

I feel like I'm sleepwalking through this summer. I feel like I'm stuck in this dream world where I cannot interact with anyone.

I'm three hundred miles away. Laying in the bed in the brown room. Crying on the phone because I can't be with my friends. Feeling more alone than ever.

I realized I've failed them. I've failed my friends. I haven't even gone out to hang out with anyone aside from grad parties. I'm always either golfing working or with Steve. I feel like a failure at friendship.

Communication is key. And the only way I communicate with them is through my dreams. I can't tell you how many dreams I've had so far that I was hanging out with friends. Back at school. And have I once picked up the phone and texted them? No. Why would I?

Have I mentioned how stupid I am? Ignorance is my new best friend. To my own vicious destruction of my psyche.

It's summer, stupid. It's the time when we're supposed to be hanging out all the time. Talking. Having fun. And what am I doing? Sitting at home wishing that I felt like I have friends.

It's not your fault, you guys. I'm sorry.

I love you, and I miss you. Hopefully I'll talk to you soon. it's not completely empty.

I still have some good songs.

But the ones that I love the most...the ones that I've been living off of lately...


And I can't get them back guaranteed for a week. It seems weird...but I'm crying.

Those songs are my life.

I don't know...

I guess some people would say it's stupid. But I love these songs. They keep me sane. Oh well. It's just a bad day all around.

So...he's gone. Not really. Just somewhere around eight hundred miles away with not very much contact.

What do I do?

I've been listening to the music he's given me for the past five hours, trying to make it feel like he's here in some way. I cried myself to sleep last night because I didn't get to hear his voice.

I'm angry.

I want to yell for him not being able to talk to me. For being too busy having fun to take his cell phone along with him and text me every once in a while. Yes. I am angry.

Does he know this? No. And I don't think he will. Because I express my anger in the form of sadness. Tears. I won't tell him that they're tears of anger and frustration. It would just make him feel bad. And I don't want that.

Dear God am I being selfish. I know it. I want him to myself right now. I'm sick...I have a cold, and he's always been there to take care of me. And now he's not.

I feel bad for saying this. I feel bad for saying that I'm angry. It's not all at him...I'm angry at circumstances...and I think I'm scared. While I was crying last night, I was wondering if that's what it would be like in college. But I doubt it. As long as he's not 800 miles away and has his cell phone and a car within a 20 mile radius, life will be good.

But still...I'm back to the being selfish part. I think we all are at some point or another. Especially when it comes to our closest relationships. We're hurt when they don't talk to us or go hang out with other people more than us. They're our boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, closest friend. They're supposed to want to be with us all the time. And even when you know they want to be with you and they're feels like they aren't.

It's so easy to feel alone.

It's so easy to doubt. To feel like the people who love you the most aren't trying hard enough. And that is so wrong. They are trying...and they do love you. I know he loves me and he's trying. But it still hurts.

As the great band Enter Shikari says..."But the walls are closing in/ And you don't appreciate/ That in my hands tonight/ Is where your fate lies/ Her face drains... Stand up, and take a bow you have/ No reasons to celebrate/ You're lost in the labyrinth/ Scream now it's not too late."

It may be the ultimate showing of trust...but I'm stuck in this labyrinth. And my fate is in his hands. And I'm screaming, my love. Show me it's not too late.

The truth hurts. I can see it hurt people everyday. But it sucks when you're the one telling the truth to others. You know it's going to hurt. And you know that it's going to strike something in them. And you can't cushion the blow. There's just something tiny that annoys you every once in a while, and you know they deserve to know the truth. So do you tell them?

Did I tell them? Yes.

It's something I've learned. Of course I can say that I'm sorry, but I can't help it and neither can they. It's just an accepted fact. As integral to your being as anything else. There's no changing it. Just some little quirk that's been instilled in them from years of exposure to it.

I guess...if you think about it in that way...your personality can be considered the least dangerous form of radiation-caused cancer, your parents being the radiactive material . It happens, and there's no way that I can change what another kid has been exposed to and will continue to be exposed to.

It's hard to accept things sometimes. Like when they seem to worry just a little bit too much. Enough to annoy you. When they text if you haven't answered within a minute. Yeah. It's kind of annoying. But it's okay. It's just something about them you have to accept. And I do. I can get frustrated, but I know that I did the right thing.

Is it right to tell them one of their flaws? And both of you know it most likely won't change? I think so. I think it's better to acknowledge it than let it slip and come back fiercer than before...a Hydra waiting to spring out and ruin a relationship.

So...sometimes the truth hurts...but sometimes that's the only way to do it right.

Hello there! I hope you like the new layout. I saw it and was like...oh my goodness. This is perfect. It's so beautiful.

And a quick little note...I hate seeing the people I love suffer and know that I can't be there with them. It tears me to pieces.

I don't have much to write about right now...I'm sure I'll be inspired soon enough, though.

So I was writing a story...and suddenly I came to a revelation.

It's so much easier to believe in good forces rather than bad ones. Or, to put it another way, it's easier to trust in God than it it to watch out for the devil.

I never really thought about it until I was reading this book about a race of people who hunt demons, and writing my own story about angels and demons. And I thought to myself, "holy crap, what if the devil does exist?" But I believe in God, so what was the difference? They both have the same history.

I'm still trying to figure it out. We can blame evil on people. And when anything good happens, it's a miracle, attributed to the gracious power of the Almighty. Does this mean that we can't trust at all that there is any goodness in human kind? Do we see no kindness in ourselves anymore?

Is that the society we're living in? Why can't people be good? And we does everything bad that happen get blamed on us? Is the devil that much in the details that he is so intertwined with the making of us? What about the goodness, and no, I'm not making this a creationist arguement, just go with it, that we were made from?

I just think it's so interesting. I kinda want to know more about it.

Even Neitzsche never talked about the devil. God is dead. Bah. What about the frickin devil? See? We never talk about evil in that way! It's such an odd observation to make. It's always God, God, God...never the devil. Hmm.

Well...I'm gonna go think about this. And if you want to test it out...just listen to the little angel and devil on your shoulder. See which one gets more attention.

Recoil from

clashingconsonants beating your eardrums

voluminous vowels fill your head to the tipping point.

You can do nothing to get them out.

Only swallow them and choke back the tears.

Let them settle.


on it for a while.

Like cement down your throat. Thick. It sticks.

But eventually it goes down.

The anger settles.

And peace prevails.

What do you get when you let your heart win? Paramore is very specific with their answer "that." But what is it? What is "that"?

There are, of course, two sides to this answer. The good, and the bad. According to the song, it's bad. She drowned out all her sense with its beating. Is sense always the best thing to have when we're talking about matters of the heart? Not exactly.

If you've ever really gotten into an arguement with someone you cared about, you know the results of this. The heartache, but the sense of satisfaction, especially if you're yelling at them for their own good. To tell them what's wrong. Basically telling them that they're an asshole and they need to change. It happens. It hurts, but it's always for the better.

But what happens when you've broken away from someone you care about and there's a glimmer of hope that they could come back? Where does sense fit in here? You know that you could never be friends again, but you're still able to chat with them on a somewhat normal level. What happens? What do you do? Can you just let all the tension roll of your back like water, or do you have to harden your shell even more to protect yourself?

What's the most sensible thing to do? Personally...I would have to protect myself. It makes the most sense. After so long of arguing and fighting that led to your separation in the first place, what's the point in returning into that relationship if you know the result. Yes, yes, people change and blah blah blah...but they never really do. That's where sense is your greatest asset. As much as things and circumstances change...people hardly ever do unless something traumatic or big enough happens to shatter their world. I've come to accept this. It happens.

I love my heart, but sometimes, and much and as intensely as it can's not always sensible for it to win. my dear just leads to your demise.

I think, now more than ever, it's important to understand the importance of high school. This may seem a bit preachy, but dear God, it has so much to do with your life. How you are formed. And never take it for granted.

Four years ago, I walked into high school not knowing what to expect. I was scared, and only spoke to the girls who had gone to my gradeschool. Now I look forward to college. But I know now that it's okay to talk to people I don't know. They could be the most important people of your life.

Yes, indeed, it was over before it ever began. I still don't believe that two days ago exactly at this time, I was sitting inside a church waiting to receive my diploma. I could never have predicted everything that high school has done for me. And I can't thank all those people that have shaped me enough. They are my world, and sometimes I regret not ever telling them that.

I love you all. Thank you for everything.

Here's to new beginnings.

And, now that I have more time...hopefully to more posts. XD

Knowing people for so long, it's easy to see them grow. But what happens when you see them growing into an ugly person and can't stand it anymore?

What do you do when your best friend is turning into a self-centered pessimistic bipolar wreck that says you don't care? I don't know. I don't have all the answers. I can only hypothesize. The trick is keeping peace. Not getting into those huge arguments that disturbs everyone and only causes heartache.

It may kill you inside to talk to them like nothing happened. That's where the wonderful human feat of lying and pretending comes into play. You can pretend and keep the feelings inside and let them out later when they're gone. You can just not talk to them period. Avoid them like the plague. But that's not always possible. Sometimes you're stuck with them whether you like it or not. That's when it becomes really complicated.

One question is to ask if anyone else sees it. Sees the change they're going through. If the answer is yes, you're in luck. It may seem like gossiping. is. This is where morality comes into question. Is it okay? Sometimes I think not. You're gonna have to tell the truth to their face eventually, but the best way to keep peace is to keep it a secret. Why destroy a group of friends?

But then...they have another group of friends. The ones they do all of the stupid crap who have taught her to lie and be this horribly ugly person. you let them fall to the seventh level of hell? Leave them in that cold and barren wasteland? The old friend in you wants to help. Maybe there's something of that old friend still inside of them.

You wait...and wait...and wait...hoping for that glimmer of the old person they were. But you never find it. And you know you never will. Not until they get the biggest reality check they can. But then they're still not the same. They'll never be as good on the inside. That tiny flaw...that need for attention...created a monster. Created so much tension and building hatred.

So...friend...I want to let you know...when you come crawling on your hands and knees...I'll let you into my house...but never my heart. Not again.

Have you ever looked back on your childhood? I mean, really studied it? Examined every moment you can remember and even the ones you don't?

It's kind of scary.

The scariest part, I think, is how much we can't remember. There are huge chunks of time that we have no clue what happened to us. Then, there are the memories that you can only place in a very vague timeline. Why can't we remember better? Why do we remember what we do?

Some of the memories that I have seem very random and have no point. So we can't really remember ONLY the things that were most important to us. And sometimes you forget some big event and then kick yourself for forgetting. Because if I cried so long and so hard when I met Mickey Mouse (when I was 3, thank you), why don't I remember? Because my brain told to me to forget? Then why can't I remember my fifteenth birthday party? The best one I've had?

I have no clue.

But then, would it be a curse remembering everything in such detail? Memory does have its way with monitoring our sanity. I think there are some moments that everyone would rather forget, but are stuck there. Forever trapped on flypaper.

So...I was going to say something....but I can't remember.

Drama. It exists. No one can avoid it. Doesn't matter if you're male or female.

But is it in our nature to seek out drama, or does it perchance find us?

You never really hear about how well people are doing, but only about what went wrong that day or what might go wrong next. Our lives seem to center around pessimism. Come on. Since when have you watched the news and had an entire day where you went without hearing about something bad? Have you ever seen a newscast entirely dedicated to seeing what is going right with the world?

Do we just automatically speak of the bad things that happen in our lives in order to sympathize with others? And do we do things to create controversy just because we're "bored" and need some livening up? I really hate to think of it that way, but sometimes I think it's true. Nothing goes on. Life's just floating on by. You don't see anything entertaining in any direction. Empty seas all around. No land anywhere. You just fish to stay alive.

What do you do? Sit there and be idle until you can't stand it anymore? What do you do to keep entertained (which is another problem we seem to have)? Or...would you rather do something a little risky that might benefit you, but seems worth the entertainment value, no matter how high the cost? Maybe I might just decide to throw a big fish off the side of my boat like Hemingway's character and see if I can catch the big one? It's risky...but pays off.

So is drama. What do you do when you're bored? Throw yourself into this huge pot of boiling water that you know you might not be able to escape because it seems okay at the time. It relieves the feeling that you don't have anything to do. So it seems somewhat programed into our system that we would do this. We think. We do. We don't sit. So in order to kept our sanity, we HAVE to do SOMETHING.

So when life gets boring, do something stupid. It seems so dumb and senseless if you think about it that way.

And yes. I'm being very single-minded here. This is only a certain kind of drama, if yo uwould have to classify it. This is drama caused by a single person who has done something very stupid that incurs the wrath of many people. Lies may turn out this way too. I'm just saying. Because sometimes, you just get unlucky. There are those times when you're just sitting there and something happens that feels like a slap across the face. It's not your fault, and you have no clue what you did. It's the judgement that the other person had made. Sometimes wrong, sometimes right, sometimes just a little loopy, but all the time unavoidable.

So, can drama be avoided? Only if you're extraordinarily lucky. If you're one of those people, be thankful. Because drama sharks bite like a bitch.

Sometimes it's hard for me to say this. "I love with my soul." It occurs only with the best and deepest of friendships. It takes a long time to learn to love someone so deeply. But then, sometimes it doesn't.

Tell me, what makes the difference?

For those whom it takes a long time, you learn to love them. Of course, you learn to love those in the opposing category, but in a much longer time. There are just those people who you have to grow to be comfortable around. The people that you know will accept you, but you're just too afraid to let yourself trust in them. That's how many of the relationships go in this world. It's not too often that you meet someone and know that they are going to be your best friend. You have to ease yourself into this security. You can't, however, fool yourself into it. You cannot talk yourself into allowing them into your life. Things have to match up. You have to see things as they truly are. If this doesn't happen, then what is the point? Wouldn't everything that you build that relationship upon be a lie?

This also leads me to the question whether or not you can force yourself to fall in love with someone. In previous times, I might actually say that this has happened to me. You feel that deep need for some sort of connection, and that is the one person who will give it to you. Even if you find far too many flaws in their character, you still allow yourself to be with them because you are, for lack for a better phrase, "in love with love." It's this idea of love that you admire, and this is exactly what happens with a fair number of people. You find that it isn't the other person that you are caring for, but an idea.

As I look back, I feel as though I might be able to see the difference. It's a hard and very difficult line to see. But, like I said before, you care for an idea. In love, you care for that other person. And it's not despite of their flaws. In the long run, you can't ignore them. Those little things are what come back to haunt many relationships. You have to see them for what they are. I can look at my boyfriend right this moment and say that I see the flaws. And I accept them. I know what they are. They're part of who he is. When you're "in love with love," you're willing to fully ignore anything that could possibly be wrong to have that feeling.

Maybe it's these "quick loves" that can be the most dangerous, but sometimes they can also be the best. From any perspective you look at it, there are always going to be different answers. There are those people that you know you click with. There seems to be that little cliche "spark" between you. Of course it happens. People meet and have things in common. Sometimes you have even more in common than you could have ever thought. And common sense tells you to hang back. See what happens. It's the little angel on your shoulder warning you not to get too wrapped up to be sure that nothing bad happens to destroy your hopes that you so eagerly placed in this person. And sometimes we ignore it. And sometimes we don't.

We can never really know our alternate ways. What would have happened if we did this or didn't do that. I know that I wish I could change some things.

But it's those I love with my soul that I can't change. I can't look back on them and regret what has happened. And, you might ask, can't I just change my mind one day and reverse everything that I have just stated? If I've learned anything, yes, I can regret the bad things, but no...that love can't die. It's there. And as painful as it is sometimes, I'm stuck with it.

But for the most part...loving is the best thing that has ever happened to me. To anyone. We have to embrace it for all that it's worth. Because, I think in the end, the struggle is worth it.

Sometimes I think I feel like a little kid preaching about something I know nothing about. I can't change it. I can only keep going, keep learning, keep loving with my soul...and see what happens.

About Me

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In the lands between the angels and demons sits a girl, struggling toward the light, fleeing the grasp of the foresaken.