So...he's gone. Not really. Just somewhere around eight hundred miles away with not very much contact.

What do I do?

I've been listening to the music he's given me for the past five hours, trying to make it feel like he's here in some way. I cried myself to sleep last night because I didn't get to hear his voice.

I'm angry.

I want to yell for him not being able to talk to me. For being too busy having fun to take his cell phone along with him and text me every once in a while. Yes. I am angry.

Does he know this? No. And I don't think he will. Because I express my anger in the form of sadness. Tears. I won't tell him that they're tears of anger and frustration. It would just make him feel bad. And I don't want that.

Dear God am I being selfish. I know it. I want him to myself right now. I'm sick...I have a cold, and he's always been there to take care of me. And now he's not.

I feel bad for saying this. I feel bad for saying that I'm angry. It's not all at him...I'm angry at circumstances...and I think I'm scared. While I was crying last night, I was wondering if that's what it would be like in college. But I doubt it. As long as he's not 800 miles away and has his cell phone and a car within a 20 mile radius, life will be good.

But still...I'm back to the being selfish part. I think we all are at some point or another. Especially when it comes to our closest relationships. We're hurt when they don't talk to us or go hang out with other people more than us. They're our boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, closest friend. They're supposed to want to be with us all the time. And even when you know they want to be with you and they're feels like they aren't.

It's so easy to feel alone.

It's so easy to doubt. To feel like the people who love you the most aren't trying hard enough. And that is so wrong. They are trying...and they do love you. I know he loves me and he's trying. But it still hurts.

As the great band Enter Shikari says..."But the walls are closing in/ And you don't appreciate/ That in my hands tonight/ Is where your fate lies/ Her face drains... Stand up, and take a bow you have/ No reasons to celebrate/ You're lost in the labyrinth/ Scream now it's not too late."

It may be the ultimate showing of trust...but I'm stuck in this labyrinth. And my fate is in his hands. And I'm screaming, my love. Show me it's not too late.

The truth hurts. I can see it hurt people everyday. But it sucks when you're the one telling the truth to others. You know it's going to hurt. And you know that it's going to strike something in them. And you can't cushion the blow. There's just something tiny that annoys you every once in a while, and you know they deserve to know the truth. So do you tell them?

Did I tell them? Yes.

It's something I've learned. Of course I can say that I'm sorry, but I can't help it and neither can they. It's just an accepted fact. As integral to your being as anything else. There's no changing it. Just some little quirk that's been instilled in them from years of exposure to it.

I guess...if you think about it in that way...your personality can be considered the least dangerous form of radiation-caused cancer, your parents being the radiactive material . It happens, and there's no way that I can change what another kid has been exposed to and will continue to be exposed to.

It's hard to accept things sometimes. Like when they seem to worry just a little bit too much. Enough to annoy you. When they text if you haven't answered within a minute. Yeah. It's kind of annoying. But it's okay. It's just something about them you have to accept. And I do. I can get frustrated, but I know that I did the right thing.

Is it right to tell them one of their flaws? And both of you know it most likely won't change? I think so. I think it's better to acknowledge it than let it slip and come back fiercer than before...a Hydra waiting to spring out and ruin a relationship.

So...sometimes the truth hurts...but sometimes that's the only way to do it right.

Hello there! I hope you like the new layout. I saw it and was like...oh my goodness. This is perfect. It's so beautiful.

And a quick little note...I hate seeing the people I love suffer and know that I can't be there with them. It tears me to pieces.

I don't have much to write about right now...I'm sure I'll be inspired soon enough, though.

So I was writing a story...and suddenly I came to a revelation.

It's so much easier to believe in good forces rather than bad ones. Or, to put it another way, it's easier to trust in God than it it to watch out for the devil.

I never really thought about it until I was reading this book about a race of people who hunt demons, and writing my own story about angels and demons. And I thought to myself, "holy crap, what if the devil does exist?" But I believe in God, so what was the difference? They both have the same history.

I'm still trying to figure it out. We can blame evil on people. And when anything good happens, it's a miracle, attributed to the gracious power of the Almighty. Does this mean that we can't trust at all that there is any goodness in human kind? Do we see no kindness in ourselves anymore?

Is that the society we're living in? Why can't people be good? And we does everything bad that happen get blamed on us? Is the devil that much in the details that he is so intertwined with the making of us? What about the goodness, and no, I'm not making this a creationist arguement, just go with it, that we were made from?

I just think it's so interesting. I kinda want to know more about it.

Even Neitzsche never talked about the devil. God is dead. Bah. What about the frickin devil? See? We never talk about evil in that way! It's such an odd observation to make. It's always God, God, God...never the devil. Hmm.

Well...I'm gonna go think about this. And if you want to test it out...just listen to the little angel and devil on your shoulder. See which one gets more attention.

Recoil from

clashingconsonants beating your eardrums

voluminous vowels fill your head to the tipping point.

You can do nothing to get them out.

Only swallow them and choke back the tears.

Let them settle.


on it for a while.

Like cement down your throat. Thick. It sticks.

But eventually it goes down.

The anger settles.

And peace prevails.

What do you get when you let your heart win? Paramore is very specific with their answer "that." But what is it? What is "that"?

There are, of course, two sides to this answer. The good, and the bad. According to the song, it's bad. She drowned out all her sense with its beating. Is sense always the best thing to have when we're talking about matters of the heart? Not exactly.

If you've ever really gotten into an arguement with someone you cared about, you know the results of this. The heartache, but the sense of satisfaction, especially if you're yelling at them for their own good. To tell them what's wrong. Basically telling them that they're an asshole and they need to change. It happens. It hurts, but it's always for the better.

But what happens when you've broken away from someone you care about and there's a glimmer of hope that they could come back? Where does sense fit in here? You know that you could never be friends again, but you're still able to chat with them on a somewhat normal level. What happens? What do you do? Can you just let all the tension roll of your back like water, or do you have to harden your shell even more to protect yourself?

What's the most sensible thing to do? Personally...I would have to protect myself. It makes the most sense. After so long of arguing and fighting that led to your separation in the first place, what's the point in returning into that relationship if you know the result. Yes, yes, people change and blah blah blah...but they never really do. That's where sense is your greatest asset. As much as things and circumstances change...people hardly ever do unless something traumatic or big enough happens to shatter their world. I've come to accept this. It happens.

I love my heart, but sometimes, and much and as intensely as it can's not always sensible for it to win. my dear just leads to your demise.

I think, now more than ever, it's important to understand the importance of high school. This may seem a bit preachy, but dear God, it has so much to do with your life. How you are formed. And never take it for granted.

Four years ago, I walked into high school not knowing what to expect. I was scared, and only spoke to the girls who had gone to my gradeschool. Now I look forward to college. But I know now that it's okay to talk to people I don't know. They could be the most important people of your life.

Yes, indeed, it was over before it ever began. I still don't believe that two days ago exactly at this time, I was sitting inside a church waiting to receive my diploma. I could never have predicted everything that high school has done for me. And I can't thank all those people that have shaped me enough. They are my world, and sometimes I regret not ever telling them that.

I love you all. Thank you for everything.

Here's to new beginnings.

And, now that I have more time...hopefully to more posts. XD

About Me

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In the lands between the angels and demons sits a girl, struggling toward the light, fleeing the grasp of the foresaken.