So. Seven days. No. I'm not in the movie The Ring.
However, I'm terrified. And, I have to admit, I am super excited, too. I'm having a really hard time deciding which one.
Who knew college would come so fast? Who knew that I would feel so old? Who knew that I actually feel like going shopping for skirts and nice clothing? Who knew I would be in love? God did. But I had no clue.
I'm all emotions wrapped into one. As scared as I am, I know I have some life rafts that are keeping me so sane right now. One...knowing that I'm going to college with one of my best friends. I want to meet new people, but it's a lot easier with an old friend by your side. Especially you. I'm so happy. ^_^ Like I said, if it were anyone, it would be you. And two...Steve. Yeah, it's nice knowing he won't be too far. We've had so many conversations about it, and we have an understanding of each other. And I'm glad knowing that I'll always have him to talk to. It's nice have these two people there. I love you both. Thanks for making this easier.
I'll miss my parents. I'll miss not having to wonder what my roommate will think. I'll miss my own bathroom. But who wouldn't? It comes with the territory.
So...I'm buck up. And take it as it comes. So...the countdown has begun. It's the silence before the storm.
I feel like I'm sleepwalking through this summer. I feel like I'm stuck in this dream world where I cannot interact with anyone.
I'm three hundred miles away. Laying in the bed in the brown room. Crying on the phone because I can't be with my friends. Feeling more alone than ever.
I realized I've failed them. I've failed my friends. I haven't even gone out to hang out with anyone aside from grad parties. I'm always either golfing working or with Steve. I feel like a failure at friendship.
Communication is key. And the only way I communicate with them is through my dreams. I can't tell you how many dreams I've had so far that I was hanging out with friends. Back at school. And have I once picked up the phone and texted them? No. Why would I?
Have I mentioned how stupid I am? Ignorance is my new best friend. To my own vicious destruction of my psyche.
It's summer, stupid. It's the time when we're supposed to be hanging out all the time. Talking. Having fun. And what am I doing? Sitting at home wishing that I felt like I have friends.
It's not your fault, you guys. I'm sorry.
I love you, and I miss you. Hopefully I'll talk to you soon.
Okay...so it's not completely empty.
I still have some good songs.
But the ones that I love the most...the ones that I've been living off of lately...
Gone.
And I can't get them back guaranteed for a week. It seems weird...but I'm crying.
Those songs are my life.
I don't know...
I guess some people would say it's stupid. But I love these songs. They keep me sane. Oh well. It's just a bad day all around.
So...he's gone. Not really. Just somewhere around eight hundred miles away with not very much contact.
What do I do?
I've been listening to the music he's given me for the past five hours, trying to make it feel like he's here in some way. I cried myself to sleep last night because I didn't get to hear his voice.
I'm angry.
I want to yell for him not being able to talk to me. For being too busy having fun to take his cell phone along with him and text me every once in a while. Yes. I am angry.
Does he know this? No. And I don't think he will. Because I express my anger in the form of sadness. Tears. I won't tell him that they're tears of anger and frustration. It would just make him feel bad. And I don't want that.
Dear God am I being selfish. I know it. I want him to myself right now. I'm sick...I have a cold, and he's always been there to take care of me. And now he's not.
I feel bad for saying this. I feel bad for saying that I'm angry. It's not all at him...I'm angry at circumstances...and I think I'm scared. While I was crying last night, I was wondering if that's what it would be like in college. But I doubt it. As long as he's not 800 miles away and has his cell phone and a car within a 20 mile radius, life will be good.
But still...I'm back to the being selfish part. I think we all are at some point or another. Especially when it comes to our closest relationships. We're hurt when they don't talk to us or go hang out with other people more than us. They're our boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, closest friend. They're supposed to want to be with us all the time. And even when you know they want to be with you and they're trying...it feels like they aren't.
It's so easy to feel alone.
It's so easy to doubt. To feel like the people who love you the most aren't trying hard enough. And that is so wrong. They are trying...and they do love you. I know he loves me and he's trying. But it still hurts.
As the great band Enter Shikari says..."But the walls are closing in/ And you don't appreciate/ That in my hands tonight/ Is where your fate lies/ Her face drains... Stand up, and take a bow you have/ No reasons to celebrate/ You're lost in the labyrinth/ Scream now it's not too late."
It may be the ultimate showing of trust...but I'm stuck in this labyrinth. And my fate is in his hands. And I'm screaming, my love. Show me it's not too late.
The truth hurts. I can see it hurt people everyday. But it sucks when you're the one telling the truth to others. You know it's going to hurt. And you know that it's going to strike something in them. And you can't cushion the blow. There's just something tiny that annoys you every once in a while, and you know they deserve to know the truth. So do you tell them?
Did I tell them? Yes.
It's something I've learned. Of course I can say that I'm sorry, but I can't help it and neither can they. It's just an accepted fact. As integral to your being as anything else. There's no changing it. Just some little quirk that's been instilled in them from years of exposure to it.
I guess...if you think about it in that way...your personality can be considered the least dangerous form of radiation-caused cancer, your parents being the radiactive material . It happens, and there's no way that I can change what another kid has been exposed to and will continue to be exposed to.
It's hard to accept things sometimes. Like when they seem to worry just a little bit too much. Enough to annoy you. When they text if you haven't answered within a minute. Yeah. It's kind of annoying. But it's okay. It's just something about them you have to accept. And I do. I can get frustrated, but I know that I did the right thing.
Is it right to tell them one of their flaws? And both of you know it most likely won't change? I think so. I think it's better to acknowledge it than let it slip and come back fiercer than before...a Hydra waiting to spring out and ruin a relationship.
So...sometimes the truth hurts...but sometimes that's the only way to do it right.
Hello there! I hope you like the new layout. I saw it and was like...oh my goodness. This is perfect. It's so beautiful.
And a quick little note...I hate seeing the people I love suffer and know that I can't be there with them. It tears me to pieces.
I don't have much to write about right now...I'm sure I'll be inspired soon enough, though.
So I was writing a story...and suddenly I came to a revelation.
It's so much easier to believe in good forces rather than bad ones. Or, to put it another way, it's easier to trust in God than it it to watch out for the devil.
I never really thought about it until I was reading this book about a race of people who hunt demons, and writing my own story about angels and demons. And I thought to myself, "holy crap, what if the devil does exist?" But I believe in God, so what was the difference? They both have the same history.
I'm still trying to figure it out. We can blame evil on people. And when anything good happens, it's a miracle, attributed to the gracious power of the Almighty. Does this mean that we can't trust at all that there is any goodness in human kind? Do we see no kindness in ourselves anymore?
Is that the society we're living in? Why can't people be good? And we does everything bad that happen get blamed on us? Is the devil that much in the details that he is so intertwined with the making of us? What about the goodness, and no, I'm not making this a creationist arguement, just go with it, that we were made from?
I just think it's so interesting. I kinda want to know more about it.
Even Neitzsche never talked about the devil. God is dead. Bah. What about the frickin devil? See? We never talk about evil in that way! It's such an odd observation to make. It's always God, God, God...never the devil. Hmm.
Well...I'm gonna go think about this. And if you want to test it out...just listen to the little angel and devil on your shoulder. See which one gets more attention.
