So I was writing a story...and suddenly I came to a revelation.
It's so much easier to believe in good forces rather than bad ones. Or, to put it another way, it's easier to trust in God than it it to watch out for the devil.
I never really thought about it until I was reading this book about a race of people who hunt demons, and writing my own story about angels and demons. And I thought to myself, "holy crap, what if the devil does exist?" But I believe in God, so what was the difference? They both have the same history.
I'm still trying to figure it out. We can blame evil on people. And when anything good happens, it's a miracle, attributed to the gracious power of the Almighty. Does this mean that we can't trust at all that there is any goodness in human kind? Do we see no kindness in ourselves anymore?
Is that the society we're living in? Why can't people be good? And we does everything bad that happen get blamed on us? Is the devil that much in the details that he is so intertwined with the making of us? What about the goodness, and no, I'm not making this a creationist arguement, just go with it, that we were made from?
I just think it's so interesting. I kinda want to know more about it.
Even Neitzsche never talked about the devil. God is dead. Bah. What about the frickin devil? See? We never talk about evil in that way! It's such an odd observation to make. It's always God, God, God...never the devil. Hmm.
Well...I'm gonna go think about this. And if you want to test it out...just listen to the little angel and devil on your shoulder. See which one gets more attention.
Recoil from
clashingconsonants beating your eardrums
voluminous vowels fill your head to the tipping point.
You can do nothing to get them out.
Only swallow them and choke back the tears.
Let them settle.
Rest
on it for a while.
Like cement down your throat. Thick. It sticks.
But eventually it goes down.
The anger settles.
And peace prevails.
What do you get when you let your heart win? Paramore is very specific with their answer "that." But what is it? What is "that"?
There are, of course, two sides to this answer. The good, and the bad. According to the song, it's bad. She drowned out all her sense with its beating. Is sense always the best thing to have when we're talking about matters of the heart? Not exactly.
If you've ever really gotten into an arguement with someone you cared about, you know the results of this. The heartache, but the sense of satisfaction, especially if you're yelling at them for their own good. To tell them what's wrong. Basically telling them that they're an asshole and they need to change. It happens. It hurts, but it's always for the better.
But what happens when you've broken away from someone you care about and there's a glimmer of hope that they could come back? Where does sense fit in here? You know that you could never be friends again, but you're still able to chat with them on a somewhat normal level. What happens? What do you do? Can you just let all the tension roll of your back like water, or do you have to harden your shell even more to protect yourself?
What's the most sensible thing to do? Personally...I would have to protect myself. It makes the most sense. After so long of arguing and fighting that led to your separation in the first place, what's the point in returning into that relationship if you know the result. Yes, yes, people change and blah blah blah...but they never really do. That's where sense is your greatest asset. As much as things and circumstances change...people hardly ever do unless something traumatic or big enough happens to shatter their world. I've come to accept this. It happens.
I love my heart, but sometimes, and much and as intensely as it can feel...it's not always sensible for it to win. Sometimes...like my dear Icarus...it just leads to your demise.
I think, now more than ever, it's important to understand the importance of high school. This may seem a bit preachy, but dear God, it has so much to do with your life. How you are formed. And never take it for granted.
Four years ago, I walked into high school not knowing what to expect. I was scared, and only spoke to the girls who had gone to my gradeschool. Now I look forward to college. But I know now that it's okay to talk to people I don't know. They could be the most important people of your life.
Yes, indeed, it was over before it ever began. I still don't believe that two days ago exactly at this time, I was sitting inside a church waiting to receive my diploma. I could never have predicted everything that high school has done for me. And I can't thank all those people that have shaped me enough. They are my world, and sometimes I regret not ever telling them that.
I love you all. Thank you for everything.
Here's to new beginnings.
And, now that I have more time...hopefully to more posts. XD
Knowing people for so long, it's easy to see them grow. But what happens when you see them growing into an ugly person and can't stand it anymore?
What do you do when your best friend is turning into a self-centered pessimistic bipolar wreck that says you don't care? I don't know. I don't have all the answers. I can only hypothesize. The trick is keeping peace. Not getting into those huge arguments that disturbs everyone and only causes heartache.
It may kill you inside to talk to them like nothing happened. That's where the wonderful human feat of lying and pretending comes into play. You can pretend and keep the feelings inside and let them out later when they're gone. You can just not talk to them period. Avoid them like the plague. But that's not always possible. Sometimes you're stuck with them whether you like it or not. That's when it becomes really complicated.
One question is to ask if anyone else sees it. Sees the change they're going through. If the answer is yes, you're in luck. It may seem like gossiping. Well...it is. This is where morality comes into question. Is it okay? Sometimes I think not. You're gonna have to tell the truth to their face eventually, but the best way to keep peace is to keep it a secret. Why destroy a group of friends?
But then...they have another group of friends. The ones they do all of the stupid crap who have taught her to lie and be this horribly ugly person. So...do you let them fall to the seventh level of hell? Leave them in that cold and barren wasteland? The old friend in you wants to help. Maybe there's something of that old friend still inside of them.
You wait...and wait...and wait...hoping for that glimmer of the old person they were. But you never find it. And you know you never will. Not until they get the biggest reality check they can. But then they're still not the same. They'll never be as good on the inside. That tiny flaw...that need for attention...created a monster. Created so much tension and building hatred.
So...friend...I want to let you know...when you come crawling on your hands and knees...I'll let you into my house...but never my heart. Not again.
Have you ever looked back on your childhood? I mean, really studied it? Examined every moment you can remember and even the ones you don't?
It's kind of scary.
The scariest part, I think, is how much we can't remember. There are huge chunks of time that we have no clue what happened to us. Then, there are the memories that you can only place in a very vague timeline. Why can't we remember better? Why do we remember what we do?
Some of the memories that I have seem very random and have no point. So we can't really remember ONLY the things that were most important to us. And sometimes you forget some big event and then kick yourself for forgetting. Because if I cried so long and so hard when I met Mickey Mouse (when I was 3, thank you), why don't I remember? Because my brain told to me to forget? Then why can't I remember my fifteenth birthday party? The best one I've had?
I have no clue.
But then, would it be a curse remembering everything in such detail? Memory does have its way with monitoring our sanity. I think there are some moments that everyone would rather forget, but are stuck there. Forever trapped on flypaper.
So...I was going to say something....but I can't remember.
Drama. It exists. No one can avoid it. Doesn't matter if you're male or female.
But is it in our nature to seek out drama, or does it perchance find us?
You never really hear about how well people are doing, but only about what went wrong that day or what might go wrong next. Our lives seem to center around pessimism. Come on. Since when have you watched the news and had an entire day where you went without hearing about something bad? Have you ever seen a newscast entirely dedicated to seeing what is going right with the world?
Do we just automatically speak of the bad things that happen in our lives in order to sympathize with others? And do we do things to create controversy just because we're "bored" and need some livening up? I really hate to think of it that way, but sometimes I think it's true. Nothing goes on. Life's just floating on by. You don't see anything entertaining in any direction. Empty seas all around. No land anywhere. You just fish to stay alive.
What do you do? Sit there and be idle until you can't stand it anymore? What do you do to keep entertained (which is another problem we seem to have)? Or...would you rather do something a little risky that might benefit you, but seems worth the entertainment value, no matter how high the cost? Maybe I might just decide to throw a big fish off the side of my boat like Hemingway's character and see if I can catch the big one? It's risky...but pays off.
So is drama. What do you do when you're bored? Throw yourself into this huge pot of boiling water that you know you might not be able to escape because it seems okay at the time. It relieves the feeling that you don't have anything to do. So it seems somewhat programed into our system that we would do this. We think. We do. We don't sit. So in order to kept our sanity, we HAVE to do SOMETHING.
So when life gets boring, do something stupid. It seems so dumb and senseless if you think about it that way.
And yes. I'm being very single-minded here. This is only a certain kind of drama, if yo uwould have to classify it. This is drama caused by a single person who has done something very stupid that incurs the wrath of many people. Lies may turn out this way too. I'm just saying. Because sometimes, you just get unlucky. There are those times when you're just sitting there and something happens that feels like a slap across the face. It's not your fault, and you have no clue what you did. It's the judgement that the other person had made. Sometimes wrong, sometimes right, sometimes just a little loopy, but all the time unavoidable.
So, can drama be avoided? Only if you're extraordinarily lucky. If you're one of those people, be thankful. Because drama sharks bite like a bitch.
