Knowing people for so long, it's easy to see them grow. But what happens when you see them growing into an ugly person and can't stand it anymore?
What do you do when your best friend is turning into a self-centered pessimistic bipolar wreck that says you don't care? I don't know. I don't have all the answers. I can only hypothesize. The trick is keeping peace. Not getting into those huge arguments that disturbs everyone and only causes heartache.
It may kill you inside to talk to them like nothing happened. That's where the wonderful human feat of lying and pretending comes into play. You can pretend and keep the feelings inside and let them out later when they're gone. You can just not talk to them period. Avoid them like the plague. But that's not always possible. Sometimes you're stuck with them whether you like it or not. That's when it becomes really complicated.
One question is to ask if anyone else sees it. Sees the change they're going through. If the answer is yes, you're in luck. It may seem like gossiping. Well...it is. This is where morality comes into question. Is it okay? Sometimes I think not. You're gonna have to tell the truth to their face eventually, but the best way to keep peace is to keep it a secret. Why destroy a group of friends?
But then...they have another group of friends. The ones they do all of the stupid crap who have taught her to lie and be this horribly ugly person. So...do you let them fall to the seventh level of hell? Leave them in that cold and barren wasteland? The old friend in you wants to help. Maybe there's something of that old friend still inside of them.
You wait...and wait...and wait...hoping for that glimmer of the old person they were. But you never find it. And you know you never will. Not until they get the biggest reality check they can. But then they're still not the same. They'll never be as good on the inside. That tiny flaw...that need for attention...created a monster. Created so much tension and building hatred.
So...friend...I want to let you know...when you come crawling on your hands and knees...I'll let you into my house...but never my heart. Not again.
Have you ever looked back on your childhood? I mean, really studied it? Examined every moment you can remember and even the ones you don't?
It's kind of scary.
The scariest part, I think, is how much we can't remember. There are huge chunks of time that we have no clue what happened to us. Then, there are the memories that you can only place in a very vague timeline. Why can't we remember better? Why do we remember what we do?
Some of the memories that I have seem very random and have no point. So we can't really remember ONLY the things that were most important to us. And sometimes you forget some big event and then kick yourself for forgetting. Because if I cried so long and so hard when I met Mickey Mouse (when I was 3, thank you), why don't I remember? Because my brain told to me to forget? Then why can't I remember my fifteenth birthday party? The best one I've had?
I have no clue.
But then, would it be a curse remembering everything in such detail? Memory does have its way with monitoring our sanity. I think there are some moments that everyone would rather forget, but are stuck there. Forever trapped on flypaper.
So...I was going to say something....but I can't remember.
Drama. It exists. No one can avoid it. Doesn't matter if you're male or female.
But is it in our nature to seek out drama, or does it perchance find us?
You never really hear about how well people are doing, but only about what went wrong that day or what might go wrong next. Our lives seem to center around pessimism. Come on. Since when have you watched the news and had an entire day where you went without hearing about something bad? Have you ever seen a newscast entirely dedicated to seeing what is going right with the world?
Do we just automatically speak of the bad things that happen in our lives in order to sympathize with others? And do we do things to create controversy just because we're "bored" and need some livening up? I really hate to think of it that way, but sometimes I think it's true. Nothing goes on. Life's just floating on by. You don't see anything entertaining in any direction. Empty seas all around. No land anywhere. You just fish to stay alive.
What do you do? Sit there and be idle until you can't stand it anymore? What do you do to keep entertained (which is another problem we seem to have)? Or...would you rather do something a little risky that might benefit you, but seems worth the entertainment value, no matter how high the cost? Maybe I might just decide to throw a big fish off the side of my boat like Hemingway's character and see if I can catch the big one? It's risky...but pays off.
So is drama. What do you do when you're bored? Throw yourself into this huge pot of boiling water that you know you might not be able to escape because it seems okay at the time. It relieves the feeling that you don't have anything to do. So it seems somewhat programed into our system that we would do this. We think. We do. We don't sit. So in order to kept our sanity, we HAVE to do SOMETHING.
So when life gets boring, do something stupid. It seems so dumb and senseless if you think about it that way.
And yes. I'm being very single-minded here. This is only a certain kind of drama, if yo uwould have to classify it. This is drama caused by a single person who has done something very stupid that incurs the wrath of many people. Lies may turn out this way too. I'm just saying. Because sometimes, you just get unlucky. There are those times when you're just sitting there and something happens that feels like a slap across the face. It's not your fault, and you have no clue what you did. It's the judgement that the other person had made. Sometimes wrong, sometimes right, sometimes just a little loopy, but all the time unavoidable.
So, can drama be avoided? Only if you're extraordinarily lucky. If you're one of those people, be thankful. Because drama sharks bite like a bitch.
Sometimes it's hard for me to say this. "I love with my soul." It occurs only with the best and deepest of friendships. It takes a long time to learn to love someone so deeply. But then, sometimes it doesn't.
Tell me, what makes the difference?
For those whom it takes a long time, you learn to love them. Of course, you learn to love those in the opposing category, but in a much longer time. There are just those people who you have to grow to be comfortable around. The people that you know will accept you, but you're just too afraid to let yourself trust in them. That's how many of the relationships go in this world. It's not too often that you meet someone and know that they are going to be your best friend. You have to ease yourself into this security. You can't, however, fool yourself into it. You cannot talk yourself into allowing them into your life. Things have to match up. You have to see things as they truly are. If this doesn't happen, then what is the point? Wouldn't everything that you build that relationship upon be a lie?
This also leads me to the question whether or not you can force yourself to fall in love with someone. In previous times, I might actually say that this has happened to me. You feel that deep need for some sort of connection, and that is the one person who will give it to you. Even if you find far too many flaws in their character, you still allow yourself to be with them because you are, for lack for a better phrase, "in love with love." It's this idea of love that you admire, and this is exactly what happens with a fair number of people. You find that it isn't the other person that you are caring for, but an idea.
As I look back, I feel as though I might be able to see the difference. It's a hard and very difficult line to see. But, like I said before, you care for an idea. In love, you care for that other person. And it's not despite of their flaws. In the long run, you can't ignore them. Those little things are what come back to haunt many relationships. You have to see them for what they are. I can look at my boyfriend right this moment and say that I see the flaws. And I accept them. I know what they are. They're part of who he is. When you're "in love with love," you're willing to fully ignore anything that could possibly be wrong to have that feeling.
Maybe it's these "quick loves" that can be the most dangerous, but sometimes they can also be the best. From any perspective you look at it, there are always going to be different answers. There are those people that you know you click with. There seems to be that little cliche "spark" between you. Of course it happens. People meet and have things in common. Sometimes you have even more in common than you could have ever thought. And common sense tells you to hang back. See what happens. It's the little angel on your shoulder warning you not to get too wrapped up to be sure that nothing bad happens to destroy your hopes that you so eagerly placed in this person. And sometimes we ignore it. And sometimes we don't.
We can never really know our alternate ways. What would have happened if we did this or didn't do that. I know that I wish I could change some things.
But it's those I love with my soul that I can't change. I can't look back on them and regret what has happened. And, you might ask, can't I just change my mind one day and reverse everything that I have just stated? If I've learned anything, yes, I can regret the bad things, but no...that love can't die. It's there. And as painful as it is sometimes, I'm stuck with it.
But for the most part...loving is the best thing that has ever happened to me. To anyone. We have to embrace it for all that it's worth. Because, I think in the end, the struggle is worth it.
Sometimes I think I feel like a little kid preaching about something I know nothing about. I can't change it. I can only keep going, keep learning, keep loving with my soul...and see what happens.
